What you should expect from your gym membership

In theory – you should get what you pay for:

Under $10/week

Do you realise you can’t even buy a sandwich for under $10? With this comparative information in tow, paying under $10/week for a gym membership you can’t expect much (like ham and cheese sandwich much). If 90% of the equipment is functioning and there are no dead-bodies, you are in fact getting value for money. As an aside – if you can motivate yourself to attend a gym daily that is literally devoid of any motivation (usually comes with the $10 price-tag), you are my new hero and you deserve every drop of value you can squeeze from your tenner.

Around the $20/week mark

Ok so now you can start to expect no deceased persons on the premises and functioning equipment. But at this middle price-point you should also expect other services such as reception staff (not to be confused with deceased person), group fitness classes, personal trainers (you can secretly watch their sessions and steal exercises from), bathrooms with a mid-range of cleanliness, saunas that may or may not be a hot-bed of predators and a spa with low-levels of communicable diseases.

Over $50/week

A cocktail on arrival, early check-in and harbor views.

And while we’re on the subject of luxe price ranges…

I know of a certain chain and chains like it (and to protect the guilty shall provide a pseudonym – let’s say G46) that charge upwards of $70/week. Absolutely unacceptable for the service and facilities and gives me all kinds of black-out rage. For $70 you should insist at the very minimum that equipment is not bursting at the seams/all fucked up and trainers that are more than 1-hour out of PT school – however acknowledge that it is difficult to attract experienced professionals on the absolute minimum wage you are able to get away with. Shame on the greedy owners of businesses like this that consciously take $70 out of their customer’s pockets without giving back.