How to be an influencer

I’ve decided: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If I‘m going to get Wretched
off the ground I’m going to have to join the  “influencer” club. I’ve been
taking notes. I’ve been taking notes of what my day looks like. And I’ve been taking notes of what an influencer’s day looks like. And as I compare and contrast it’s safe to say – I’m seriously behind the 8 ball (and honestly – if there was a 9 ball, I’d be behind that too). We all gotta start somewhere ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Awake. Fuck. Can’t fall back asleep. Must have been the diet coke and Café
Grande Connoisseur ice-cream consumed the night before. In fairness was just digging the chocolate covered almonds out of the ice-cream – any caffeine ingested from the ice-cream was residual. Maybe lay off the diet coke? Fuck around on my phone for a bit until fall back asleep at 5:05am…just in time for the alarm to go off at 5:30am.

If I want to be an influencer I need to:

Have a bed time ritual to ensure restful and even REM sleep cycles to re-align my chakras. At sun-down switch off all electronic devices that emit blue-light. Sip on a passionflower tea out of my #blessed mug as I write 3 things in my life I am grateful for.


Pack bag for day ahead. Includes teaching 2 x group fitness classes (one in the morning and one in the evening) and training in 1 x CrossFit session.  Decide it’s reasonable to only pack one gym outfit.


Start sweating like a gimp in a sauna. Immediately realise my grave error in
judgement in packing one outfit.


Put on said soggy outfit from the morning.

If I want to be an influencer I need to:

Have written a to-do list from the night before in my Kikki.K Dream Life
monogrammed leather compendium.  For my glute gym session I would pack my Vaara Elsa Bicolour sports bra in Red and Poudre (I’m sorry but what the fuck?) and matching Vaara Flo Tuxeo Legging in Red and Poudre. For my inner thigh gym session I will go my Flightmode Fonda Bralette in Navy and Pink with matching (*der*) Flightmode Fonda Tights – this outfit will easily take me from gym to brunch where I would enjoy an almond milk organic activated half strength turmeric latte. All aforementioned activities would be captured by a selfie:  and as I strive for the upper-echelons of influencer-dom I would ensure that accompanying captions were either a) unrelated to the selfie b) blessed somehow.


Have a class that starts at 7:15pm. AM. STARVING. Ate all the food I’d
brought to work for the day by 12:20pm. Go to shops and buy grapes
#mybodyisatemple. Question: do grapes have a laxative effect? Asking for a


Finally finished for the day. STILL. STARVING. There is only one meal that
can possibly replenish my energy and fulfil the nutritional needs of this athlete: a Cali slow cooked beef burrito. And if you learn nothing else from Wretched, learn this: make all your burritos from now on a “Cali”; this is when the shit beans and rice in a burrito are replaced with hot chips. Inhale burrito while scrolling through social media in my underpants. Quite certain have swallowed significant portions of burrito without chewing. Eat Toblerone to push un-chewed burrito through digestive system.

If I want to be an influencer I need to:

Pack my vegan bliss balls to ensure I have adequate snacks throughout the
day and not left starving of an evening. Come home and freshly prepare an
almond oatmeal cookie batter protein shake (spoiler alert: shake is devoid of cookies or batter) while I gently grill a fresh salmon fillet served
on a bed zucchini noodles and a squeeze of lemon, pink salt, and cracked
pepper. Sit at the dining room table with the television off and phone in
another room as I mindfully chew each mouthful 10-times. Once my meal is complete – I don’t get up from the dining table until I have repeated my personal mantra 10-times: dream, believe, create, succeed.

Conclusion of above findings

Fuck that. Being an influencer seems like a fucktangular effort. As Groucho
Marx once famously quipped:  I don’t care to belong to any club that will
have me as a member.