Excuses are like assholes

This time of year is when people start to think “I’m going to join a gym”. I do realise there are many emotional stages/excuses between the statement “I’m going to join a gym” and actually joining a gym  including but not limited to: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, a river of fire, an ancient riddle and a password. After eons in fitness I am getting adept at arguing the above points (I mean have you tried: password? Password01?), but then it gets personal. And in a last desperate attempt to not complete the 12-step program of joining the gym they throw these personal attacks my way (spoiler alert: to no avail).  

But Marie, you know what you’re doing

Yes, I do. Select exercises (that I’m already good at) and certain pieces of equipment (I know how to use). There is equipment after 20-years of rolling in gyms I still have no idea how to navigate, and god-damn-it, on top of that new equipment pops up all. The. Time. Equipment that is a mystery – I simply avoid…or watch someone else use…and then try use it when no-one else is around…and then YouTube it…and still have no idea. Then I just think ah fuck it – imma just do a squat because that shit never goes out of style.

But Marie, everyone will look at me

Were my eyes glazed over? Was my mouth slightly open and my head tilted to one side? Was I drooling? Cool – that could have been a) I was just between sets and chillin’ b) having a seizure c) playing out the scenario of the bar crushing my chest in the next set and I’m plotting how I would escape without embarrassing myself. Note there was no d) option: looking at the new person. For me, gym is therapy. My meditation. On cardio days – gym is pure religion (as in near death out of body experiences. Note to self: 2019, do more cardio) and as such it’s a solo sport, and I don’t particularly want anyone getting all up in my spirit so to speak. I almost feel bad saying: I’m probably looking straight through you and anyone else in my line of vision (except if you were getting crushed by a bar – I would defs help you then).

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