When a gym towel is not a gym towel

Just when you though a chucked gym towel, neglected water bottle and seemingly forgotten hoodie on the gym floor were the works of a lazy fucker; Wretched explains the hidden symbolism behind these powerful entities.

Gym towels

 Gym towels yield the greatest power on the gym floor. A gym towel draped on a piece of equipment indicates that said equipment is currently occupied even though the owner may or may not be in sight. Never ignore a draped gym towel.

Water bottles

Water bottles hold the second most power – but can also be a decoy. The symbolism of a water bottle in the vicinity of a piece of equipment is similar to that of a gym towel, however, water bottles are also the most left-behind items in the gym. In this instance, if you see a water bottle near a piece of equipment, a cursory glance around the gym to see if the owner is nearby is required. Then proceed with caution.

NOTE: the combination of a gym towel and a water bottle at a piece of equipment is an ironclad unmistakable indicator that this piece of equipment is 100% being used. Walk away.

Bags, clothing and other accessories

Someone’s weekly laundry strewn around the gym floor could indicate a) an extremely forgetful douche-bag who has never heard of a locker, or b) indicate a circuit is in progress and the owner is simply reserving equipment around the gym. This technique of reservation is fraught with danger for other gym patrons trying to navigate what is available equipment and what is simply a forgotten item of clothing. A good indicator is the significance of the item: a gym bag is an unambiguous reservation of equipment, while a hoodie is open to interpretation. Should you be desperate for this piece of equipment and wish to investigate the subtext of the hoodie further – check the brand:  a pov brand would indicate a forgotten item and please go ahead and use the equipment and take said item to lost property, a nice brand (i.e. expensive) would suggest the owner is still around and simply reserving equipment with their stylish pullover and you should move on.

A WORD ON CIRCUITS: if you are doing a circuit in a gym, a non-dick move would be to cluster your circuit in the smallest radius as practicable and limit the circuit to just a few pieces of equipment (particularly if it’s machines rather than moveable equipment, such as kettlebells and medicine balls). Just because Instagram told you to do this circuit, in this order, with these exercises – it simply may not be practical/considerate in your gym.  Consider altering one/some of the exercises to keep yourself in close proximity and not hogging half the gym with the entirety of your wardrobe, or go to the gym at 2am with the other murderers and do your million exercise circuit then.

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