A – Z of fitness

The word clitoris features twice¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Aerobics: the 70s called and they want their word back. It’s called group fitness now, and aerobics has come a long way from side-bends and leg warmers.

#Booty: someone, somewhere on social media decided it was fashionable to have a pronounced bum and now we are obsessed. Did anyone think about the inconvenience of never being able to find pants that fit?

Clitoris: if you can see it, wear longer shorts to the gym.  

Douche-bags: characterised by 90% body mass being located in one’s upper-body, neck tattoos and stringer singlets. Don’t be afraid, they are harmless. And anyway don’t have the lower body strength to run after you.

Eggs: the staple of any weight loss/body building diet – but only the egg-white. God forbid you get any joy from the food.

F45: the fitness phenomenon that my mum was doing in the 80s.

Gains: apologies: #gainz.

HIIT: High intensity interval training. Studies have shown if you don’t cry at some point during your HIIT session, you are doing it wrong.

iPhone: you can’t possibly go to the gym without it.

Jumping: turn an already awful move in to something even worse by adding a jump, for example: a lunge.

Krispy Kreme: what? Oh sorry I got distracted.

Lorna Jane: whom I hold responsible for the whole positive quote on singlets phenomenon. “Dream, Believe, Achieve” was the worst, and I’m still mad.

Muscles: facilitate opening salsa jars and bringing in your grocery shop in one trip.

Neck: if you don’t have one – lay off the upright rows.

Orange Theory: you lost me at treadmills and sealed the deal with rowers. 

Push-ups: The Guinness World Record for the most push-ups non-stop was 10,507, set in 1980. I did 52 once. And came close to crying 3 times.

Quinoa: let’s say it together, it’s pronounced: Keen-WA.


Sux: see above.

Tights: gents, no. Unless you are wearing courtesy shorts over the top.

Undies: join the debate – if your gym shorts have built in undies, do you still wear undies underneath?

Vagina: see: Clitoris.

Weights: can’t afford therapy? Weights is a suitable alternative.  

X-treme: if this pre-fix appears in the name of the supplement you are currently taking, know this: you are taking a supplement that has the effectiveness of sand, and is doing nothing more than emptying your wallet and making your wee smell funny.

Yoga:  I have to admit I don’t know my Vinyasa from my Hatha, my Yin from my Ashtanga.

Zumba: To this day I have no idea how y’all can follow an instructor that doesn’t say anything.