If you’re not watching Married At First Sight (MAFS)…you’re probably a very productive person:
The Sam’s of the gym world are generally the ones we would classically consider douche-bags, who position themselves in front of the mirror. Their exercise regime typically consists of bicep curls and bench press (incline, decline, narrow grip, wide grip, dumbbell, barbell). If you are following a Sam on a piece of equipment, be sure to wipe down prior to using, because you know, chicken pox.
Elizabeth’s are a fairly common species in the gym – spending more time perfecting their selfie than working out. You can spot an Elizabeth typically in the change room in front of the full length mirror contorting and twisting like the exorcist in an attempt for the perfect butt selfie (why tho?). Their uniform is typically matching tights, crop top, cap and for some reason hair is always out. Elizabeth’s are interchangeable with your Jessika’s.
You know how people are intimidated to join the gym? The reason is people like Ines.
Ah Heidi – the social butterfly. Flitting from squat rack, to bench, to treadmill, without doing any of the exercises but sourcing the best goss on the planet. Which PT is sleeping with their client? Who achieved a 6-pack with the latest coffee, cigarettes and laxative diet? And who is taking ‘roids (spoiler alert: the one with back acne, shrunken testicles and disproportionate everything compared to their head).
DO NOT mess with the Mark’s. They are NOT in the gym to fuck spiders. They have their playlist, their program and their average heart-rate planned right down to the very song, rep range and exact number of breaths per minute. Do not get in the way of their agenda. You need to use the bench Mark is using? No you don’t. Fuck off and do a squat.
The Cyrell’s of the gym are ticking time-bombs and are ready to go off-their-fucking-nut at you at the most nanoscopic inconvenience: standing in their spot in a group fitness class? Accidentally take the weight they were using? Spent 0.1 seconds too long filling up your bottle at the water fountain? You will hear about it (and so will the rest of the gym). They are wound up so tight maybe they need the gym more than you do. Treat a Cyrrell in a similar fashion to your Mark’s.
Wretched 