The NOT To Do List

Fitness types can be real self-righteous pricks. Typically I can scroll past their platitudes and laugh it off/write really scathing shit about them in relative anonymity – but in these isolation times, the sheer volume of this self-righteousness is off the fucken Richter: and I. Am. Not. Coping.

So in a refreshing twist, below is a list of what I am most certainly NOT going to do in isolation (and please feel free to adopt them as your own. You’re welcome):

Rummage through my pantry for a can of baked beans and tinned corn to use as hand weights
The only thing I’m going to my pantry for are Oreos and sadness, so leave me the fuck alone.

Meal prep
Who are these psychopaths cooking up a week’s worth of nutritious meals and divvying them up in Tupperware containers when we are legally bound to stay at home? I can’t even fathom this nor comment any further because I don’t have the higher faculties to comprehend meal prep (even on a good day). Personally I have a fuck-tonne of time on my hands to prepare every single one of my meals ala carte. Plus making a bacon and sauce sandwich takes like 5 minutes.

Keep to a regular exercise schedule
At best intermittent, at worst consider heaving sobs as a core workout.

Stay positive
Oh? Is that all I have to do? I didn’t think of that! I kid you not I read this on a fitness influencers Instagram today – but I will protect their identity (mostly because I’m scared of them – they are jacked as fuck):

“remember…you’re not special, your [sic] not restricted. You’re just not trying hard enough to bring awareness to your limiting beliefs. The owner of the hand-break is YOU”.

Also they referred to a workout as “Pumpy, gassed, deprived, burning and wet”

K, thanks. Bye.

Use isolation as an opportunity to create new habits and emerge a better self
I am definitely coming out of isolation as a worse, more bloated and slightly more needy version of my former self.