NEW recipe series (warning: useful content)

And you thought Wretched was just full of curses and rage.

Shame on you.

I’d like to start a recipe series called “It doesn’t taste shit, has ingredients from the normal person supermarket & won’t make you fat”.

Catchy eh?

“Healthy recipes” go one of two ways:

They are tasty as fuck, but have 31 ingredients (18 of which aren’t available in a normal person supermarket, 2 of which are made up ingredients and 1 of which is currently illegal in this country).

OR the dish tastes like hair, shit or Vegemite – or all of the 3 combined.

The following is a recipe I have swiped from the 12RND Fitness Training Camp (which is one of those 6 week challenge situations for their members). I have personally made it twice because: “it doesn’t taste shit, has ingredients from the normal person supermarket & won’t make you fat”.


Serving size: 4 serves (and actually decent serves, not like 1 grain of rice, 3g of beef and one tenth of a carrot).

Preparation time: No shit – if you aren’t crap at chopping – this goes from fridge to your face hole in 30 minutes.

Slice 350g beef real thin and chuck it in a hot pan with 1tsp of sesame oil. Cook til brown. The beef, not the sesame oil. Christ.

Choose 4 or 5 vegetables that don’t taste like shit and slice them up so they are kind of the same size (I used half a red onion, 1 x red capsicum, 1 x zucchini, 1 x carrot a hand full of snow peas).

In the mean time your beef should have browned and be pretty much cooked. Take the beef out of the pan.

In the same pan (because fuck dirtying another pan), turn down the heat a notch and chuck in another 1tsp of sesame oil, 1½ tbsp red curry paste (calm down – you can get it in the normal person supermarket and it’s totally suitable for our white people palate), a blob of garlic and a blob of ginger (use the garlic and ginger you get in tubes – defs not as gross as it sounds. Not like avocado in a tube. That’s just frightening). Stir that for a minute.

Now throw the veggies into your curry-tube-garlic-tube-ginger concoction – stir through for a couple of minutes until the veggies are coated in the curry-tube-garlic-tube-ginger concoction. Side note: if you’re cooking for the fucken queen throw the hard veggies in first for a couple of minutes (as they take longer to cook through) – then the rest of the softer veggies (like the zucchini and shit).

Chuck the beef back in with the veggies and 200ml of coconut milk. Stir around and leave for about 5 minutes until the veggies aren’t raw. But don’t overcook. Remember in the 80s when your mum would cook the shit out of veggies until they were that soft you could drink them through a straw? I love my mum but fucken hell woman.

While you wait that 5 minutes – make packet basmati rice in the microwave. The recommended serving size is 1 cup of cooked rice for lay-dez, 2 cups for guys.

Now just serve the curry on top of the rice OR you can add a handful of coriander (shut up I like it) with a squeeze of lime juice (if you have $8 to spend on a lime).

Enjoy. And you will.

If you have a healthy recipe you’re not brave enough to cook and would like Wretched to take one for the team – let me know and I will report back (make sure it’s not vegan or anything shit like that).