With gyms reopening soon, I feel it’s my duty as someone with anger management issues and an internet connection to warn you of the impending fuckery that will non-consensually invade your senses as you innocently scroll social media in search of actual good things: cob-loaves and dudes getting nailed in the nuts with random objects.
The inane home-workout-selfie-phase has finally died down with only a select few persevering, and honestly, before I was irritated, but now I’m just impressed that they have stuck to an activity akin to using a potato peeler to shave your scalp then washing your raw head in vinegar.
This reprieve of the home-workout social media post will soon be replaced with something far worse: the reopening-of-my-gym social media post. I wish to foretell you of the impending doom so you can emotionally prepare for this onslaught (and the only workable solution I’ve managed to come up with thus far is scooping your eyeballs out with a melon-baller). The following 3 posts will break your spirit as soon as gyms reopen:
- The selfie/group shot in front of the F45 sign: Christ. WE GET IT. You were at F45. You are back at F45. YOU GO TO F45. We knew then. We know now. But don’t be offended. We didn’t care before either.
- The attempted artistic shot of a piece of gym equipment: the only dumbbell deadball here is the one holding the camera.
- The “my happy place” quotes: look it’s mine too, but spare us the monotony of your lack of original thought.
Now pass me the melon-baller…