I hate a lot of things…but nothing as much as this

I hate a lot of things really. Ranging from: meh – hairball on the gym floor (pretty standard) to burst carotid artery – un-racking one side of a barbell (whyyyyyy are you such an asshole???). But this. This is up there between popping an artery and intermittent explosive disorder (which btw has nothing to do with shitting myself…am talking more about a blackout style of rage).

Allow me to set the scene before I colour your opinion:

Scrolling through Instagram this morning as I do in the name of research for Wretched (and cat videos – obvs), my thumb is stopped in its proverbial tracks.

The image I stumble upon is of an Aussie model/influencer with 1.3 million followers; a quick scroll through her profile sees a stunning woman, looking I would say close to perfection in every single one of her hundreds of carefully curated images and semi-naked in about three quarters of them. And look, you gotta expect some flesh as she is a fitness “influencer”and models underwear for a big brand.

So I’m already slightly envious as I’m scrolling through Instagram at 5:46am this morning through one eye (the other eye is still sleeping), in my Bonds singlet as old as time itself, with a pimple I can literally feel erupt from my face (side note: hey body – can you decide wrinkles or pimples? Because this is bullshit). I digress.

Back to the offending image. She is in a pair of swimmers. Pretty standard – nothing to see here. But as I read the caption – my non-sleeping eye opens and I am angry (like my pimple):

“found these pap photos online and I thought I’d share them along side some thoughts of mine”.

So obviously this isn’t one of her curated images – but excuse me: it’s still fucken nice. I would say it’s only 99% perfection. You hideous troll you.

“I’d like to admit although I love myself, I am proud of myself, and I love my body – I still have insecurities, one of those is my legs, my cellulite”.

[pause as I magnify the offending image by one-million-billion to find said imperfection]

“These pics were taken in the middle of the day when the sun was at it’s highest and its never actually really flattering on anyone! But that aside, I wanted to share it with you because I don’t want you to think I’m perfect, or that I think I’m perfect. What I’ve learnt over time is that nobody thinks that. It’s ok to have insecurities, but it’s important to appreciate your body and focus more on what you love than those insecurities that stick out to you. Next time you go to put yourself down on something society has told you is a ‘flaw’, complement yourself instead”.

This is about where the rage shifts gear from burst artery to blackout rage. First of all: it’s fucken offensive to have hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of beautiful looking images, to then post one “imperfect” image and claim that you have imperfections too in the name of being #relatable. You’re about as relatable as a duck biting my dick as I eat rice naked. Second of all: if your fame is based on an amazing physique (fuck good on you – I would too), then that’s the marketing bed you have made – and you need to lie in it. Trying to position yourself in the “imperfect” space in the market makes absolutely no sense and fuck off – because people like me with 3 followers are trying to legitimately own “imperfect”. Third of all: if your physical appearance is like even a 6/10 this next rule applies to you too (btw the person I’m talking about here is off the charts at 11/10), you may not say: “it’s ok to have insecurities…complement yourself instead”.  Hey, I too would find it exceptionally easy to say “complement yourself” if I was a smoking hot goddess with a charmed life. When you’re on the receiving end as the 4/10 and the 11/10 says this bullshit it’s so beyond condescending I can’t even.

Jesus. I need to lie down…where is my Bonds singlet and clearasil?

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